As many of you know, I am an oil man. Everyone’s always asking me “Bo, what do you do as an oil man?” Being an oil man is extremely luxurious, and I lead quite a flashy life. If I’m not riggin’ in gasoline and grease, then I’m pushing papers. That’s my fucking day at the office. But anyway, I also have a lot of downtime in between destroying Mother Nature and calculating my profits from stock options. So I put together a little list of things that are necessary to lead a fulfilling life as an oil man.
Ford F150 Ecoboost 4×4 Pickup Truck – Rig roads can be unforgiving; a hard rain can turn them into crazy rivers of mud and debris. A four by four pickup is a necessity in this environment, especially if has Sirius satellite radio. Did you know that most vehicles only use TWO wheels to provide motion? What a silly waste!!!
Naps – It’s tough work being awake for 12 hours per day, so I need to nap generously. I consider a nap a period of sleep no longer than four hours; I generally will take two naps a day. Computer chairs make great napping stations, and steel-toe boots keep my feet warm, comfortable, and safe from heavy objects.
Math – Doing some math is a great way to kill time. For example, sometimes I multiply 2 by 2, and then multiply the product by 2, and continue this process until I get stumped. One time I got to 128! What a day that was. I also enjoy analyzing Taylor series and determining if the series in question converges or diverges.
iPhone 4 – My iPhone 4 offers many options for passing the time. I can play music that I enjoy; this fills me with childish nostalgia. Also, if I come across a tricky Math problem I can use the calculator app to figure it out. Another useful feature is the alarm function; this helps to wake me up from Naps.
Pathcalc – The premier software program for importing survey information, Pathcalc makes my job much easier by automatically calculating values not directly measured by the HDS-1 M/LWD Tool. Can you imagine having to hand-calculate the closure distance and direction of a survey station using nothing but inclination and azimuth readings? Ridiculous!
Cigarettes – A smoke provides a nice break from the monotony of day-to-day operations, with the added bonus of earning respect points from chain-smoking superiors.
25 lb. Dumbbells – I can use these to make myself stronger and, by extension, handsomer. Even though I rarely use them, the fact that they are there provides me motivation to work out extra hard when I get back in town from a job.
Tecmo Super Bowl – Voted Best Game of All-Times by numerous reputable publications, TSB is the ultimate time waster. I spend hours playing through season mode, trying to win the Super Bowl with the worst of teams (Colts and Patriots) while accumulating absurd numbers with stars such as Bo Jackson, Lawrence Taylor, and QB Eagles. One time I got 745 rushing yards in a game with Barry Sanders…no big deal.
Sriracha sauce – Sriracha is the perfect complement to every dish, side dish, snack, beverage, or dessert. I squirt this stuff on everything. Almonds? SQUIRT! Chicken? SQUIRT! Banana pudding? DOUBLE SQUIRT!
Flyswatters – I won’t lie to you guys; oil rigs can be dirty places. This causes a problem with flies getting into our skid unit. Now I don’t know about you, but I think flies are fucking aggravating shitheads. So from time to time I get out my trusty ‘Swatter and go berserk, racking up a body count that would make Stalin proud.
Inception – Inception comes on HBO all the time, and I watch it every time I can. I like this movie because it makes me think, and go “Huh?”, and the music goes all “DUHHH DUH DUH DUHHHH DUH DUH DUHHHHHH”, and Marion Cotilliard/Joseph Gordon Levitt are both very pretty.