OIL MAN-IFESTO ver1.0

As many of you know, I am an oil man. Everyone’s always asking me “Bo, what do you do as an oil man?” Being an oil man is extremely luxurious, and I lead quite a flashy life. If I’m not riggin’ in gasoline and grease, then I’m pushing papers. That’s my fucking day at the office. But anyway, I also have a lot of downtime in between destroying Mother Nature and calculating my profits from stock options. So I put together a little list of things that are necessary to lead a fulfilling life as an oil man.

Ford F150 Ecoboost 4×4 Pickup Truck – Rig roads can be unforgiving; a hard rain can turn them into crazy rivers of mud and debris. A four by four pickup is a necessity in this environment, especially if has Sirius satellite radio. Did you know that most vehicles only use TWO wheels to provide motion? What a silly waste!!!

Naps – It’s tough work being awake for 12 hours per day, so I need to nap generously. I consider a nap a period of sleep no longer than four hours; I generally will take two naps a day. Computer chairs make great napping stations, and steel-toe boots keep my feet warm, comfortable, and safe from heavy objects.

Math – Doing some math is a great way to kill time. For example, sometimes I multiply 2 by 2, and then multiply the product by 2, and continue this process until I get stumped. One time I got to 128! What a day that was. I also enjoy analyzing Taylor series and determining if the series in question converges or diverges.

iPhone 4 – My iPhone 4 offers many options for passing the time. I can play music that I enjoy; this fills me with childish nostalgia. Also, if I come across a tricky Math problem I can use the calculator app to figure it out. Another useful feature is the alarm function; this helps to wake me up from Naps.

Pathcalc – The premier software program for importing survey information, Pathcalc makes my job much easier by automatically calculating values not directly measured by the HDS-1 M/LWD Tool. Can you imagine having to hand-calculate the closure distance and direction of a survey station using nothing but inclination and azimuth readings? Ridiculous!

Cigarettes – A smoke provides a nice break from the monotony of day-to-day operations, with the added bonus of earning respect points from chain-smoking superiors.

25 lb. Dumbbells – I can use these to make myself stronger and, by extension, handsomer. Even though I rarely use them, the fact that they are there provides me motivation to work out extra hard when I get back in town from a job.

Tecmo Super Bowl – Voted Best Game of All-Times by numerous reputable publications, TSB is the ultimate time waster. I spend hours playing through season mode, trying to win the Super Bowl with the worst of teams (Colts and Patriots) while accumulating absurd numbers with stars such as Bo Jackson, Lawrence Taylor, and QB Eagles. One time I got 745 rushing yards in a game with Barry Sanders…no big deal.

Sriracha sauce – Sriracha is the perfect complement to every dish, side dish, snack, beverage, or dessert. I squirt this stuff on everything. Almonds? SQUIRT! Chicken? SQUIRT! Banana pudding? DOUBLE SQUIRT!

Flyswatters – I won’t lie to you guys; oil rigs can be dirty places. This causes a problem with flies getting into our skid unit. Now I don’t know about you, but I think flies are fucking aggravating shitheads. So from time to time I get out my trusty ‘Swatter and go berserk, racking up a body count that would make Stalin proud.

Inception – Inception comes on HBO all the time, and I watch it every time I can. I like this movie because it makes me think, and go “Huh?”, and the music goes all “DUHHH DUH DUH DUHHHH DUH DUH DUHHHHHH”, and Marion Cotilliard/Joseph Gordon Levitt are both very pretty.

Advertisements
Posted in 4WDX4WD, The Winter of Mixed Driiiinks | Leave a comment

CRIME REPORT SPECIAL REPORT ’11: SCANDAL IN LIVONIA

Scandal can happen anywhere, and at anytime.  Look no further than the Pennsylvania State fiasco for evidence of this.  But an earth-shattering scandal of this proportion taking place in small-town Louisiana? Wow. I mean…. holy fuck.  What follows is a recap of the “Ronny-Livonia” incident, considered the most damaging crime in the history of humanity.

ABOUT LIVONIA 

Livonia is a rural community in south central Louisiana.  The population as of December 14th, 2008 was 34,922 people; most of them are pretty cool.  The most popular place in town is the Dairy Queen; the second most popular is the Dairy King.  Livonia is the birthplace of honky tonk, producing legends such as Dwayne “Holler” Holt and R.C. “Chicken Pickin” Cartright.  The town was founded in 1822 by Native American businessmen who needed a new place to do Indian stuff, like build casinos and statues.  Present-day mayor Hub Haystack is also the town fisherman, illustrating the down-home country living associated with Livonia that makes this scandal so disturbing. 

SCANDAL DESCRIPTIONS 

On an undetermined date in late 2010/early 2011, an individual (“Ronny” for the purposes of this report) made an unassuming land purchase in the town proper.  Upon closer examination, however, a number of red flags were raised.  The first oddity was the sheer size of the plot of land; nearly 450,000 acres.  This figure makes the purchase the 4th largest land transaction in Louisiana history.  Secondly, the price paid for the property was astonishingly low; slightly less than a bumblebee per acre (for the purposes of this report nickels will be referred to as bumblebees).  How could an ordinary Joe (“Ronny”) mastermind such a brilliant financial deal?  An investigation was launched upon the discovery of these discrepancies.  What followed was the uncovering of a transgression so immense, U.S. Super Secretary Bruce Wayne commented, “Not even Batman could have prevented this.  Fuck me runnin’!” 

ABOUT RONNY 

“Ronny” has been described as a fast-talking city man.  Physical descriptions culled from the community put him at 1.8 meters tall, while weighing approx. 9 stone, and having a totally bitchin’ mustache.  He probably drives an older sedan with a luggage rack.  Acquaintances claim he is good on defense in basketball; nothing has been found to substantiate these claims, however. 

Ronny's vehicle

HOW HE DID IT 

“Ronny” used intimidation and blackmail to convince the Livonia government to cut him a deal that would’ve been out of place during the American Western Expansion of the 19th century.  The tactics he used were disturbing, unorthodox, and in some cases, illegal.  No lives were spared in his brutal quest for land dominance.  Nearly three hundred are dead or wounded, and countless more have lost their life’s work.  All for a piece of land on which to build a house…..a house of horror!!! 

MESSIN’ WITH KIDS, MAN.  WITH KIDS! 

On fourteen separate occasions “Ronny” would terrorize the children of Livonia to create an atmosphere of terror.  There were five main methods used in this strong-arm tactic: (1) Firecracker Intimidation, (2) Hiding stuff, (3) Prank phone calls (pseudonyms used:  Lil’ Marine, Bass Pro Shop customer service rep, Hollerin’ Henry Hampton, and Julia Roberts), (4) Tractor Intimidation, (5) Stealing candy (The candy was stolen from a baby; “Ronny” had the gall to comment on how easy it was.  Jesus.).  Occasionally Ronny would combine two of these acts to create a Super Psych Out; for instance, Firecracker Intimidation combined with Tractor Intimidation = a fucking flaming tractor shooting fireballs at you.  These heinous acts essentially put the town in “Ronny”s control. 

Tractor Intimidation

 NATIVE AMERICAN TREACHERY 

“Ronny” manipulated the local Native American tribe of Livonia by giving each one of them $10,000 for their children’s higher education.  Wait, that’s actually pretty generous.  Forget this happened. 

BACK ALLEY DEALS/SHADY-ASS TRANSACTIONS 

“Ronny” took advantage of many of the townsfolk using empty promises and general chicanery.  A group of men were swindled by “Ronny” into signing away their sizable land inheritances; “Ronny” claimed each man would, and I quote, “Get a timeshare for every acre you give me.  That’s like 55,000 time shares dudes.”  On another occasion “Ronny” convinced a child that vanilla ice cream is better than chocolate ice cream, and took the boy’s cone.  And totally kept his own cone too.  Damn. 

CROSS DRESSER? 

New findings show that “Ronny” likely enjoys putting on nice lady clothes.  I mean he seems like he would, anyway. We didn’t find anything concerning this, honestly.   But he definitely wears chick clothes. 

HOW CAN YOU HELP??? 

Have you seen this man?  If you have, please contact us at stopronny.com/autozone.

Last known picture of Ronny. He is shooting at puppies and kitties. Just awful.

Posted in Explainin' Everything to the Geeks, Hard Hitting Facts and Stuff | Leave a comment

SNACK EVOLUTION: A Statistical Analysis of the Corporate Structure and Business Strategy of Big Snack

ABSTRACT 

If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of in the world, they were new fast foods and junk foods.  I’m sorry for the poor grammar in that last sentence, but I can’t take back what has already been done.  In these hectic times (have you seen the Dow Jones? More like the Down Jones!!!), Fast/Junk food companies have to think outside of ”the box” to hold the attention of the extreme snacker on the go.  What does this mean exactly? Well, for us (“The consumer”) it means a constant evolution of all the crackers, the snacks, the drinks, and the dippers that we so heartily chow down on while doing activities and not doing activities.  I thought I’d do Budbuzz a service and try out a few of these new flavor combos from the bigwigs in American, and International, snacking.  For the purposes of this column, I will not go into specifics; rather, I will focus on the new categories that are on the horizon of appearing in stores.  Here is a graph of humanity’s snacking habits over the years.  The trends should be obvious to the common observer. 

Axis X: Years Axis Y: Habits

ANALYSIS

Statistics have shown that for every generation of humanity, there must be no fewer than 6 generations of snack-based evolution.  An example of this would be Pepsy, a conglomerate that started with (1) Original Fizz Pepsy, moved to the exotic (2) Hawaiian Pepsy, next satisfied Gen X with (3) Pepsy on a Skateboard, introduced (4) Pepsy Naturel for the health nuts, followed that with (5) Pasta Pepsy (for the burgeoning moms/grand-moms market share sector), and finally created (6) Pepsy 2: Judgment Day (the success of this drink will hinge on public nostalgia).  Notice that the 6 generation corollary holds true; this was only over a 16 year period!? Imagine the snacking possibilities when the timeline is extended infinitely; the thought of this is, quite honestly, magnificent.  Further analysis shows that companies who refuse to follow the six generation rule will generally fall by the wayside, either becoming bankrupt or swallowed whole by a larger snack company.

 Studies show that successful snacking companies have a specific hierarchy consisting of three levels: (1) Big Wigs (2) Video Game Testers (3) Idea Men.  The top level, Big Wigs, is made up of the Idea Men.  This can be confusing, as the third tier is named “Idea Men”, but the structure is quite simple when the variables are observed more closely.  In layman’s terms, the Idea Men (Big Wigs) create the Idea (as should be obvious), and the Idea Men (Idea Men) are in actuality the craftsmen who make the candy, chippys, and so on and so forth.  The second level, Video Game Testers, should need no explanation.  A graphic displaying the typical interaction pattern of the three tiers can be found below: 

The ideas make the profits, as should be obvious.

 With this tedious, but necessary, deposition out of the way, we can now focus on the future snack categories that we feel will be debuting in this next generation. 

SNACK STUDIES 

Years of market research and study group analysis have led us to a definitive conclusion:  four new snacking groups will be appearing shortly at a store, or a market (or a bazaar), near you.  For our purposes, the definition of category in this study is a group of foods that share either (A) extreme or (B) extremely tasty characteristics; this was designed as such to prevent consumer confusion.  

“Extreme Yellow”:  This snacking category consists of radically dyed foodstuffs characterized by a bright, unnatural yellow hue.  Big Snack believes this radical coloration will attract attention to what otherwise might be a boring product.  The appeal of bright yellow was researched extensively; participants in over 500 tests came to a common conclusion:  “That yellow bikini is bitchin’, man”.  This group includes snacks such as Exxtreme Bumble Bee Transformer Chewz, Mega Lightenin’ Poweraid, and Oreo: Yellow.

Review of Flavour:  The yellow color causes an ambulatory effect in the taster; I immediately bought some roller blades and rode lines in the neighbor’s pool.  The dye adds no discernible flavour to the product.  This doesn’t make the product an ineffective snack, due to the associated extremeness of the color. 

“Pizza AWESOME”:  Extensive research by Big Snack has determined that pizza is “the most tubular foodstuff since fuckin’ ever, man”.  The draw of pizza-branded snacks is their versatility; it is common knowledge that pizzas can be topped with a wide range of ingredients.  This group includes snacks such as Beefy Pizz’er Roll Ups, Pepp-Pepp Lozenges, and Poweraid: Pizza Dew.

Review of Flavour:  They were right; pizza is fuckin’ awesome.  These snacks combine the convenience of a quick bite with the sumptuousness of an expertly cooked pizza.  

“Fake Cigarettes/Tobacco”:  A ten year blind test study by Big Snack came to the conclusion that cigarette smoking makes one ”look like fuckin’ James Dean, man”.  The unfortunate medical drawbacks of cigarettes create an obvious problem for the snacking conglomerates, whose client base consists mainly of children aged 4 – 11.  This has led to the research and development of cigarette based foodstuffs.  Note that these snacks are not cigarette-flavoured, but cigarette-themed.  This group includes snacks such as cigarette-shaped Jolly Ranchers, Little Bear Can-O-Snuff, and Poweraid Marlboro.

Review of Flavour:  These make you look extremely cool.  The flavor of each product is unchanged, but you look like fuckin’ James Dean, man. 

“Clear Means COOL”:  This is not Big Snack’s first foray into clear foods; the overwhelming failure of Crystal Pepsy during the last snack generation must have weighed heavily on the companies’ minds.  This appears to have not phased the snack conglomerates, however.  These products are expected to sell due to their inherent novelty appeal; testers were noted saying ”it’s, like fuckin’ clear, man”.  This group includes snacks such as Beef Jerky: Clear, Clear Skittles, and Sprite: Not Clear (Just Joking).

Review of Flavour:  Once again, flavours are not the spotlight of this category.  The clarity of each product definitely conveys a refreshing feeling in the taster.  The success of these snacks will depend on the general public’s ability to accept and embrace non-traditional snacking ideals.   

IN CONCLUSION 

The findings in this statistical analysis clearly show that Big Snack is prepared for the snacking needs of the future.  With an open mind and a large budget Big Snack, it seems, will continue to produce high quality snacks in the standard markets, with an eye on increasing the public’s awareness of niche brands.  The trend seems to be focused on an extreme, eye-popping snack model.  This allows for near-infinite expansion of snacking into unexpected, and delicious, strata.  I fucking love snacks.

Posted in Explainin' Everything to the Geeks, Riemann Sums | Leave a comment

Politicks

Rick Perry for Vice Principle 2015, this guys just makes cents.

Posted in Aminals, Bees (I Want Your Honey), Movie Dumps, Pount for Pound the Best Pie In Baton Rouge, Wait Watchers | Leave a comment

Good Morning

Here is a picture of Don Draper in some sort of anime outfit.

Notice the beret, arm laser blaster, and bandolier of microphones.

Enjoy!

Posted in Mad Max Men | Leave a comment

Talkin’ Shop: What the Heck PickupTruck Do I Wanna Buy?

 

Allrighty guys this is something I’ve wanted to discuss for quite awhile now-the pros and cons of the engines of ½ ton pickups available for purchase right here in the good ole US of A.  I’ve done plenty of research and have put together a solid package of information for the prospective truck buyer. 

Ford F-150:  Ford is currently offering four motor choices:  V6, V6 Ecoboost, 5.0L V8, and a 6.2L V8.  The Ecoboost is the best engine ever made.  Its thrusters kick on at around 1800 RPM and provide high gear acceleration at 32.2 ft/s2.  I’ve personally towed a spaceship at highways speeds with mine, and also drove it completely underwater.  The standard V6 and 5.0L V8 are both fart factories, don’t waste your time.  The 6.2L is for the man who likes to Baja race; or eats Baja chalupas. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  This is the official truck of Sonic Drive Inn, the famous motel chain!

Chevrolet Silverado/GMC Sierra:  GMC offers some different engine options, but the one I’m gonna discuss is their tried-and-true 5.3L Vortec V8.  Off the lot these motors are underwhelming, however there are a lot of aftermarket parts and techniques that can turn this thing into a bitchin’ Power Mobile.  You’ll be pullin’ campers and racin’ ricers in no time. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  Don’t drink and drive, but if you do, why not enjoy an Xmas Turkey Dinner? Equal parts Wild Turkey bourbon, peppermint Schnapps, and egg nog, served warm!

Dodge Ram:  The Hemi V8 is a gas guzzling maniac with the best available horsepower off the lot.  Studies show it gets 4 mpg city and 0 mpg highway; the authenticity of these statistics is being investigated by Dodge private investigator Sheila Gumshoe.  Unfortunately, these things fall apart quicker than the French in WW2, at least I think it was the French.  Be prepared for expensive repairs and possible tornado chases. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZThe “Hemi” moniker comes from “cHemical”!

Toyota Tundra:  This is a Japanese machine, I ain’t supporting it. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  Every Tundra sold comes with a free set of tires!

Nissan Titan:  see Toyota Tundra. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  The Titan is the preferred vehicle of fancy ladies everywhere!

Damatsu ThunderBuggy:  The ultimate vehicle for those who have to eat on the go, the ThunderBuggy comes equipped with dual soft-serve ice cream machines, a microwave oven, and a fully stocked pantry.  It is also pulled by horses.

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  ThunderBuggy is a compund word, like cowboy, or sodium chloride!

Korb K-9000:  The Sportz package of the K-9000 offers a T-top convertible roof and 32 cup holders.  Its powertrain relies on a combination of coal and solar power, a controversial marriage of Industrial Revolution and Green Energy technologies. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  Sometimes the coal used for fuel gets on your clothes and ruins them permanently!

Volkswagen Beetle (New):  The New Beetle comes standard with a 519 hp 6.8L V8 Turbo Charged motor.  This thing can haul up to four elephants without even switching to six-wheel drive.  VW claims this vehicle can “swim”; what this means is unknown at this point. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  It’s not named after the band, it’s named after the insect, ya turkey!

Volkswagen Beetle (Old):  This is a car, my bad.

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  This truck helped fund the Nazi war machine! 

Dragon Industries Fire Trucker:  The only truck currently available with 1500+ hp, the street legality of this monster has been questioned by many, including the FDA and The Police.  With the moniker “Fire Trucker”, one would think this vehicle could aid local fire departments; however, the opposite is true due to the Fire Trucker’s propensity to burst other cars into flames.

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  This truck came from the future with the T-1000!

Posted in BACON | 2 Comments

ACL RAP-UP: hey y’all

beers were good; beau drank 52 Adam drank 2.
We supported anheiser busch all the weekens

Favorite times and bands

1. Arcade fire played “teen spritz”

2. Kanye west played all the bits, and he played all the bits! !

3. You have got nerve to be askin a flavour!

4. Torch tacos mighty cones

5. Ford F150 Ecoboosy

6. Steven Wnoder

7. Bud Weiser

Posted in Explainin' Everything to the Geeks | Leave a comment