CRIME REPORT SPECIAL REPORT ’11: SCANDAL IN LIVONIA

Scandal can happen anywhere, and at anytime.  Look no further than the Pennsylvania State fiasco for evidence of this.  But an earth-shattering scandal of this proportion taking place in small-town Louisiana? Wow. I mean…. holy fuck.  What follows is a recap of the “Ronny-Livonia” incident, considered the most damaging crime in the history of humanity.

ABOUT LIVONIA 

Livonia is a rural community in south central Louisiana.  The population as of December 14th, 2008 was 34,922 people; most of them are pretty cool.  The most popular place in town is the Dairy Queen; the second most popular is the Dairy King.  Livonia is the birthplace of honky tonk, producing legends such as Dwayne “Holler” Holt and R.C. “Chicken Pickin” Cartright.  The town was founded in 1822 by Native American businessmen who needed a new place to do Indian stuff, like build casinos and statues.  Present-day mayor Hub Haystack is also the town fisherman, illustrating the down-home country living associated with Livonia that makes this scandal so disturbing. 

SCANDAL DESCRIPTIONS 

On an undetermined date in late 2010/early 2011, an individual (“Ronny” for the purposes of this report) made an unassuming land purchase in the town proper.  Upon closer examination, however, a number of red flags were raised.  The first oddity was the sheer size of the plot of land; nearly 450,000 acres.  This figure makes the purchase the 4th largest land transaction in Louisiana history.  Secondly, the price paid for the property was astonishingly low; slightly less than a bumblebee per acre (for the purposes of this report nickels will be referred to as bumblebees).  How could an ordinary Joe (“Ronny”) mastermind such a brilliant financial deal?  An investigation was launched upon the discovery of these discrepancies.  What followed was the uncovering of a transgression so immense, U.S. Super Secretary Bruce Wayne commented, “Not even Batman could have prevented this.  Fuck me runnin’!” 

ABOUT RONNY 

“Ronny” has been described as a fast-talking city man.  Physical descriptions culled from the community put him at 1.8 meters tall, while weighing approx. 9 stone, and having a totally bitchin’ mustache.  He probably drives an older sedan with a luggage rack.  Acquaintances claim he is good on defense in basketball; nothing has been found to substantiate these claims, however. 

Ronny's vehicle

HOW HE DID IT 

“Ronny” used intimidation and blackmail to convince the Livonia government to cut him a deal that would’ve been out of place during the American Western Expansion of the 19th century.  The tactics he used were disturbing, unorthodox, and in some cases, illegal.  No lives were spared in his brutal quest for land dominance.  Nearly three hundred are dead or wounded, and countless more have lost their life’s work.  All for a piece of land on which to build a house…..a house of horror!!! 

MESSIN’ WITH KIDS, MAN.  WITH KIDS! 

On fourteen separate occasions “Ronny” would terrorize the children of Livonia to create an atmosphere of terror.  There were five main methods used in this strong-arm tactic: (1) Firecracker Intimidation, (2) Hiding stuff, (3) Prank phone calls (pseudonyms used:  Lil’ Marine, Bass Pro Shop customer service rep, Hollerin’ Henry Hampton, and Julia Roberts), (4) Tractor Intimidation, (5) Stealing candy (The candy was stolen from a baby; “Ronny” had the gall to comment on how easy it was.  Jesus.).  Occasionally Ronny would combine two of these acts to create a Super Psych Out; for instance, Firecracker Intimidation combined with Tractor Intimidation = a fucking flaming tractor shooting fireballs at you.  These heinous acts essentially put the town in “Ronny”s control. 

Tractor Intimidation

 NATIVE AMERICAN TREACHERY 

“Ronny” manipulated the local Native American tribe of Livonia by giving each one of them $10,000 for their children’s higher education.  Wait, that’s actually pretty generous.  Forget this happened. 

BACK ALLEY DEALS/SHADY-ASS TRANSACTIONS 

“Ronny” took advantage of many of the townsfolk using empty promises and general chicanery.  A group of men were swindled by “Ronny” into signing away their sizable land inheritances; “Ronny” claimed each man would, and I quote, “Get a timeshare for every acre you give me.  That’s like 55,000 time shares dudes.”  On another occasion “Ronny” convinced a child that vanilla ice cream is better than chocolate ice cream, and took the boy’s cone.  And totally kept his own cone too.  Damn. 

CROSS DRESSER? 

New findings show that “Ronny” likely enjoys putting on nice lady clothes.  I mean he seems like he would, anyway. We didn’t find anything concerning this, honestly.   But he definitely wears chick clothes. 

HOW CAN YOU HELP??? 

Have you seen this man?  If you have, please contact us at stopronny.com/autozone.

Last known picture of Ronny. He is shooting at puppies and kitties. Just awful.

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About murdochthesungod

Hubba hubba!
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