If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of in the world, they were new fast foods and junk foods. I’m sorry for the poor grammar in that last sentence, but I can’t take back what has already been done. In these hectic times (have you seen the Dow Jones? More like the Down Jones!!!), Fast/Junk food companies have to think outside of ”the box” to hold the attention of the extreme snacker on the go. What does this mean exactly? Well, for us (“The consumer”) it means a constant evolution of all the crackers, the snacks, the drinks, and the dippers that we so heartily chow down on while doing activities and not doing activities. I thought I’d do Budbuzz a service and try out a few of these new flavor combos from the bigwigs in American, and International, snacking. For the purposes of this column, I will not go into specifics; rather, I will focus on the new categories that are on the horizon of appearing in stores. Here is a graph of humanity’s snacking habits over the years. The trends should be obvious to the common observer.
Statistics have shown that for every generation of humanity, there must be no fewer than 6 generations of snack-based evolution. An example of this would be Pepsy, a conglomerate that started with (1) Original Fizz Pepsy, moved to the exotic (2) Hawaiian Pepsy, next satisfied Gen X with (3) Pepsy on a Skateboard, introduced (4) Pepsy Naturel for the health nuts, followed that with (5) Pasta Pepsy (for the burgeoning moms/grand-moms market share sector), and finally created (6) Pepsy 2: Judgment Day (the success of this drink will hinge on public nostalgia). Notice that the 6 generation corollary holds true; this was only over a 16 year period!? Imagine the snacking possibilities when the timeline is extended infinitely; the thought of this is, quite honestly, magnificent. Further analysis shows that companies who refuse to follow the six generation rule will generally fall by the wayside, either becoming bankrupt or swallowed whole by a larger snack company.
Studies show that successful snacking companies have a specific hierarchy consisting of three levels: (1) Big Wigs (2) Video Game Testers (3) Idea Men. The top level, Big Wigs, is made up of the Idea Men. This can be confusing, as the third tier is named “Idea Men”, but the structure is quite simple when the variables are observed more closely. In layman’s terms, the Idea Men (Big Wigs) create the Idea (as should be obvious), and the Idea Men (Idea Men) are in actuality the craftsmen who make the candy, chippys, and so on and so forth. The second level, Video Game Testers, should need no explanation. A graphic displaying the typical interaction pattern of the three tiers can be found below:
With this tedious, but necessary, deposition out of the way, we can now focus on the future snack categories that we feel will be debuting in this next generation.
Years of market research and study group analysis have led us to a definitive conclusion: four new snacking groups will be appearing shortly at a store, or a market (or a bazaar), near you. For our purposes, the definition of category in this study is a group of foods that share either (A) extreme or (B) extremely tasty characteristics; this was designed as such to prevent consumer confusion.
“Extreme Yellow”: This snacking category consists of radically dyed foodstuffs characterized by a bright, unnatural yellow hue. Big Snack believes this radical coloration will attract attention to what otherwise might be a boring product. The appeal of bright yellow was researched extensively; participants in over 500 tests came to a common conclusion: “That yellow bikini is bitchin’, man”. This group includes snacks such as Exxtreme Bumble Bee Transformer Chewz, Mega Lightenin’ Poweraid, and Oreo: Yellow.
Review of Flavour: The yellow color causes an ambulatory effect in the taster; I immediately bought some roller blades and rode lines in the neighbor’s pool. The dye adds no discernible flavour to the product. This doesn’t make the product an ineffective snack, due to the associated extremeness of the color.
“Pizza AWESOME”: Extensive research by Big Snack has determined that pizza is “the most tubular foodstuff since fuckin’ ever, man”. The draw of pizza-branded snacks is their versatility; it is common knowledge that pizzas can be topped with a wide range of ingredients. This group includes snacks such as Beefy Pizz’er Roll Ups, Pepp-Pepp Lozenges, and Poweraid: Pizza Dew.
Review of Flavour: They were right; pizza is fuckin’ awesome. These snacks combine the convenience of a quick bite with the sumptuousness of an expertly cooked pizza.
“Fake Cigarettes/Tobacco”: A ten year blind test study by Big Snack came to the conclusion that cigarette smoking makes one ”look like fuckin’ James Dean, man”. The unfortunate medical drawbacks of cigarettes create an obvious problem for the snacking conglomerates, whose client base consists mainly of children aged 4 – 11. This has led to the research and development of cigarette based foodstuffs. Note that these snacks are not cigarette-flavoured, but cigarette-themed. This group includes snacks such as cigarette-shaped Jolly Ranchers, Little Bear Can-O-Snuff, and Poweraid Marlboro.
Review of Flavour: These make you look extremely cool. The flavor of each product is unchanged, but you look like fuckin’ James Dean, man.
“Clear Means COOL”: This is not Big Snack’s first foray into clear foods; the overwhelming failure of Crystal Pepsy during the last snack generation must have weighed heavily on the companies’ minds. This appears to have not phased the snack conglomerates, however. These products are expected to sell due to their inherent novelty appeal; testers were noted saying ”it’s, like fuckin’ clear, man”. This group includes snacks such as Beef Jerky: Clear, Clear Skittles, and Sprite: Not Clear (Just Joking).
Review of Flavour: Once again, flavours are not the spotlight of this category. The clarity of each product definitely conveys a refreshing feeling in the taster. The success of these snacks will depend on the general public’s ability to accept and embrace non-traditional snacking ideals.
The findings in this statistical analysis clearly show that Big Snack is prepared for the snacking needs of the future. With an open mind and a large budget Big Snack, it seems, will continue to produce high quality snacks in the standard markets, with an eye on increasing the public’s awareness of niche brands. The trend seems to be focused on an extreme, eye-popping snack model. This allows for near-infinite expansion of snacking into unexpected, and delicious, strata. I fucking love snacks.