Talkin’ Shop: What the Heck PickupTruck Do I Wanna Buy?

 

Allrighty guys this is something I’ve wanted to discuss for quite awhile now-the pros and cons of the engines of ½ ton pickups available for purchase right here in the good ole US of A.  I’ve done plenty of research and have put together a solid package of information for the prospective truck buyer. 

Ford F-150:  Ford is currently offering four motor choices:  V6, V6 Ecoboost, 5.0L V8, and a 6.2L V8.  The Ecoboost is the best engine ever made.  Its thrusters kick on at around 1800 RPM and provide high gear acceleration at 32.2 ft/s2.  I’ve personally towed a spaceship at highways speeds with mine, and also drove it completely underwater.  The standard V6 and 5.0L V8 are both fart factories, don’t waste your time.  The 6.2L is for the man who likes to Baja race; or eats Baja chalupas. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  This is the official truck of Sonic Drive Inn, the famous motel chain!

Chevrolet Silverado/GMC Sierra:  GMC offers some different engine options, but the one I’m gonna discuss is their tried-and-true 5.3L Vortec V8.  Off the lot these motors are underwhelming, however there are a lot of aftermarket parts and techniques that can turn this thing into a bitchin’ Power Mobile.  You’ll be pullin’ campers and racin’ ricers in no time. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  Don’t drink and drive, but if you do, why not enjoy an Xmas Turkey Dinner? Equal parts Wild Turkey bourbon, peppermint Schnapps, and egg nog, served warm!

Dodge Ram:  The Hemi V8 is a gas guzzling maniac with the best available horsepower off the lot.  Studies show it gets 4 mpg city and 0 mpg highway; the authenticity of these statistics is being investigated by Dodge private investigator Sheila Gumshoe.  Unfortunately, these things fall apart quicker than the French in WW2, at least I think it was the French.  Be prepared for expensive repairs and possible tornado chases. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZThe “Hemi” moniker comes from “cHemical”!

Toyota Tundra:  This is a Japanese machine, I ain’t supporting it. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  Every Tundra sold comes with a free set of tires!

Nissan Titan:  see Toyota Tundra. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  The Titan is the preferred vehicle of fancy ladies everywhere!

Damatsu ThunderBuggy:  The ultimate vehicle for those who have to eat on the go, the ThunderBuggy comes equipped with dual soft-serve ice cream machines, a microwave oven, and a fully stocked pantry.  It is also pulled by horses.

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  ThunderBuggy is a compund word, like cowboy, or sodium chloride!

Korb K-9000:  The Sportz package of the K-9000 offers a T-top convertible roof and 32 cup holders.  Its powertrain relies on a combination of coal and solar power, a controversial marriage of Industrial Revolution and Green Energy technologies. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  Sometimes the coal used for fuel gets on your clothes and ruins them permanently!

Volkswagen Beetle (New):  The New Beetle comes standard with a 519 hp 6.8L V8 Turbo Charged motor.  This thing can haul up to four elephants without even switching to six-wheel drive.  VW claims this vehicle can “swim”; what this means is unknown at this point. 

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  It’s not named after the band, it’s named after the insect, ya turkey!

Volkswagen Beetle (Old):  This is a car, my bad.

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  This truck helped fund the Nazi war machine! 

Dragon Industries Fire Trucker:  The only truck currently available with 1500+ hp, the street legality of this monster has been questioned by many, including the FDA and The Police.  With the moniker “Fire Trucker”, one would think this vehicle could aid local fire departments; however, the opposite is true due to the Fire Trucker’s propensity to burst other cars into flames.

FUN TRUCK FACTZ:  This truck came from the future with the T-1000!

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About murdochthesungod

Hubba hubba!
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2 Responses to Talkin’ Shop: What the Heck PickupTruck Do I Wanna Buy?

  1. I appreciate the sentiment but when I order a pickup truck from the latest dealership of the month I expect it to have the ability to…I don’t know…pick shit up. Which is why I ride in STYLEZ in my 1999 FERMEC 650B. This pretty lady is equipped with a 4 in 1 Bucket, 6 way scraper box, rippers, and PTO (payed time off?).

    Oh look here’s one for sale, only 3,586 hours, man up bruh.

    http://www.rockanddirt.com/equipment-for-sale/FERMEC/650B/invnum=34965082#

  2. Anonymous says:

    Nissan SUCKS!
    They are the most useless & stupid (shit) vehicle company.
    Nissan are scum, dirty morons & gangster assholes.(Their brainless drivers, fans, etc are weak-minded & sore losers)
    All of their vehicles, etc are all shit, crap, garbage, rubbish & suck-ass.
    Their (needless) companies must be removed from this face of this planet.
    Nissan & their drivers (forever) SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS & SUCKS!

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