Fancy Football: Draft Analyzin’

With all this talk about the fantasy footballs, I thought I’d throw my hat in the ring and discuss some “dews” and don’ts for this year’s draft. Here goes.

1. Red “Honky Tonk” Raggler

Team: San Bodego Sprouts; Position: MLB; Quote: "Yeah, I strangled that koala at the zoo. Big fuckin deal."

Let’s face it. These past 3 years, Ol’ Raggin’ Red is more Honk than Tonk. I mean, he may honk the honk, but he can he tonk the tonk? Besides, this guy can be a real risk for any fantasy team due to his controversial life outside the NFL. Just last week, he was arrested in his hometown of Earnhartville, Indiana for assaulting a horse with a smaller horse. I give the Honky Tonker a big fat DON’T.

2. Daniel “Handsome” Pete

Team: Fran Francisco HoneyPots; Position: Offensive linebacker; Quote: "Kids, I built my athletic career on eatin' pie n' lickin' chicken."."

Now THIS is a player I can get behind. Fresh out of U of Snee, Handsome “Sneaky” Pete was a first round draft pick for the HoneyPots. With his handsome attitude and illustrious side career as a radio DJ, this guy is an asset to anyone’s fantasy squad. The only caveat is his tendency to over-celebrate. Once this kid starts a-dancin’ he’ll NEVER stop! I give Sneaky “Uncle” Pete a big DO.

3. Roger “The Anvil” Neidhart

Team: The New York Cities; Position: Bull Back; Quote "Don't fucking quote me."

Seriously, you don’t want to fuck with this guy. He regularly kills and eats people. The only reason he’s never been banned from the NFL is because he keeps eating everyone who tries to talk to him. I give him a DO, because frankly I am terrified of him.

4. Hulk “The Macho Man” Steamboat

Team: Tampy Bay Buccaroos; Position: "hands" man; Quote: "grrrrrAAAUUGGH!!"

There’s a lot of hype surrounding this youngster after having a dazzling rookie year. But can he live up to his expectations? This observer says no. While the techno-organic virus within his body makes him stronger and an ideal football player, it also is slowly eating away at his brain. Perhaps if he was some sort of omega-level telekinetic mutant he could fight the virus on a molecular level, however this has yet to be seen. I give him two “If you DON’T DON’Ts.”

5. Turbo “The Football” Gridiron

Team: The Cleveland Steamers; Position: hackback; Quote: "I'm the best thing since dogs could talk."

I’m hesitant to even put this guy on this list. While his name makes him sound like a great football player, in reality he’s not even in the NFL. He sells discount rufilin out of his van near the Cleveland stadium on gamedays. Now why someone would draft a man who isn’t even in the NFL I don’t know. But even so, he’s a pretty stand-up guy.

6. Tommy “The Green Ranger” Oliver

Team: The Angel Grove Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers; Position: Green Ranger; Quote: "Dragonzord!"

Now I probably don’t need to convince you that this guy is the real deal. He can summon the fucking Dragonzord which can shoot rockets from its goddamned fingers. Also, it can combine with Megazord to become Mega Dragonzord which is really fucking sweet. If you don’t choose this guy as your number one pick, you’re a fucking idiot.


About Pill Pritley

This entry was posted in Juggernauts and Jubilees, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s