The first installment of my 415-part series “Album Bests, All-Timers” is all about ULTIMATE DANCE PARTY 1997. If you went to a boy/girl party in 6th grade and weren’t blaring this, you probably weren’t one of the KOOL KIDZ. One time I almost made out with a girl to this compilation; alas it wasn’t meant to be, I would have to wait until I turned 22 before I kissed a sweet lady. Dancing in visqueened garages while chugging SURGE and killing cookie cake like it was anti-butt cancer vaccine-now that was a fuckin’ Friday night.
This record has got it all, the whole kit-n-kadoodle, the whole entire world of super in one 700 Mb compact disc. Slower-paced dance songs give way to faster-paced dance jambs; some songs are sassy, and all songs are HOTT (TTTTTT). If you can listen to UDP97 and not freak out with danciness, well, I hope you wrote a will. And have a coffin. Cause you are dead, brotha.
I’d now like to take a closer look at each song on Ultimate Dance Party 1997. At least the ones I remember.
Everything But the Girl – Missing [Todd Terry Club Mix]: a slow-burning, moody jam dance that is perfect for intense staring and sweet whispering. It sets a baseline party tone that the rest of the album will only raise.
No Mercy – Where Do You Go [Ocean Drive Edit]: Wow. We’re only at number 2 on the album and we get this bad mother fucker. Classy as shit, it sounds like a song a Spaniard would write. This song will get you chicks; that’s a fact.
Real McCoy – Another Night: This song is in the middle of a murderer’s row of hothothot dance jams. Fast-paced fun about passion and longing; in other words, a great great song to air hump to.
La Bouche – Be My Lover: A bombastic tilt-a-woozy with huge vox and catchy melodies (AH HA AY HEY), I like to drink a Sega Guinnessis (shot of gin in a glass of Guiness) as I dance like Mike Jackson reincarnate.
Ace of Base – Beautiful Life: I don’t remember this song.
Reel 2 Real – I Like to Move It [Eric “More” Club Mix]: The first song of UDP97’s legendary Grindin’ Concierto, the enthusiastic MC flows like a butter store while I’m busy doing cartwheels and chugging Three Men and a Babys (equal parts Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Jose Cuevro, and baby formula).
Aretha Franklin – A Deeper Love [C+C Tribesman Mix]: I don’t remember this song.
Taylor Dayne – Tell It to My Heart [1996 Remix]: I think this song starts off with some BUH DUH DUH DUH DUUUDUUH’s, but I could be thinking of another sassy song or three.
Quad City D.J.’s – C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train) [Remix Edit]: A stone-cold first-ballot hall of fame classic, it is a requirement that you create a conga line during this song. Little known fact: the “Quad Citys” are Walker, Watson, Denham Springs, and Alabama.
Outhere Brothers – Boom Boom Boom: A song that said “Hey! Yeah YOU!!! It’s okay to talk about round bootys!!!” The dances required to keep pace with this beat are some of the most difficult of any danz song ever, stretch your hernias, gentleman.
Deborah Cox – Who Do U Love [Morales Classic Club Edit]: I don’t remember this song.
Annie Lennox – No More “I Love You’s” [Junior Vasquez Remix Edit]: This song sucked, I hate it. Four point five farts out of Five Farts.
Livin’ Joy – Dreamer [Original Club Mix]: I don’t remember this song.
Amber – This Is Your Night: An easy, breezy tune that is perfect for singing in the car with the windows down with your girlfriends headed to Girl’s Night and seriously guys are so dumb let’s eat ice cream.
Nicki French – Total Eclipse Of The Heart: CAN BONNIE TYLER BE DEFEATED? Oh yes. This song “turns around” (LOL – Ed.) the glacial dirge of the original into a song that has enough speed and drive to turn a funeral into a FUN-eral. It also makes you drive faster, way faster. Drive.
Robert Miles – Children: Instrumental, you say. No words, you say. And it doesn’t. Fucking. Matter. I’ve danced less hard at the Dance Hard or Die Playoffs (presented by Home Depot). In fact this is my song of CHOICE at the Dance Hard or Die Playoffs (presented by Home Depot).
Los Del Mar – Macarena: Everyone throws around the word epic these days. That shit was an epic dump. Jesus was an epic Messiah. Transformers is an epic dump. So on and so forth. And this word is used especially often when referring to album closers (i.e. THE LAST SONG IS SOOOOOO EPIC). Macarena started that trend, and ended it in 1997. People’s reactions to the song vary wildly; euphoric tears of joy, spasms spurred by wonder, uncontrollable screaming, etc, etc. I prefer to sit back in quiet bliss, soaking in every single detail of the rich musical tapestry Los Del Mar wove so many years ago.
This column was sponsored by the following:
Burger King – If You’re Hungry, How Bout A Fuckin’ Whopper?
Auto Zone – Parts Parts Gimme Parts Parts
NRA – Get A Life. Buy A Gun.
Cash considerations provided by:
Ultimate Dance Party 1997