I feel like it really needs to be addressed how abysmally shitty these two bands were. The fact that these two fartfests had/still have enormous fan bases gives me a very uneasy feeling that the apocalypse may be near. Unfortunately, the problem inherent in musical debate is that it is largely subjective. Therefore, I’ve decided to hire Native American technological prodigy/cyborg Forge to analyze this issue as objectively and scientifically as possible.
Here is what he learned.
Why Def Leppard sucks:
1. One arms < two arms.
Supporting evidence: Principia Mathematica, i.e. 1+1=2
If you ask someone who likes Def Leppard why they are a good band, that person will eventually say something along the lines of, “Listen Bro, the drummer had ONE ARM! They HAD to be great if they could still play music with a one armed drummerderpderpfartptthtthhtt.” I really shouldn’t have to explain the fallacy in this logic. There is just physically no way that a one armed man could ever play drums effectively. Using this argument is saying that Def Leppard is good because it sounds like music even though it probably shouldn’t. It’s like saying that shit tastes good because it exists and looks like chocolate.
2. Hair metal as a whole is objectively gay.
Supporting evidence: The following pictures.
3. Copyright infringement
Supporting evidence: Note by note analysis
In order to further research Def Leppard’s music, Forge developed a device called the Audiocomputron – a device which has the capability to analyze the vocals of every song in Def Leppard’s catalog note by note and match it to similar sound byte patterns in its database. Once the data was fully processed, the device demonstrated that Joe Elliot’s vocals in every single Def Leppard song exhibit a 98% match rate to the sound that gibbons make when engaging in all-male taboo orgy sex. Now, am I saying that Def Leppard ripped their songs off of a group of primates in the throes of ear canal penetration? No. That’s for you to decide, America.
Why Kiss sucks:
1. Stage theatrics ≠ musical greatness.
Supporting evidence: Euclid’s inequality of arithmetic and geometric means.
This time, ask a Kiss fan why he likes their music. Somewhere in his argument, he will say something like, “fartfartfart -blowing fire- fartfart – demon face – fartfaartfart – fireworks.” All I’m saying is that using this logic, you can pick any terrible fictional band (i.e. Drive Shaft from Lost, Wyld Stallyns from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey) and claim that it is the best band ever. When the #1 one redeeming quality of a band is its stage theatrics, that can’t be a good thing. Because of this, Kiss is at best a gimmick band and at worst a glistening turd among other turds in a glaringly awful period of rock music trends.
2. Just. Gay.
Supporting evidence: incriminating photographs
I hate to use the same argument here as I did against Def Leppard, but what can I say?
3. Retarded lyrics.
Supporting evidence: unbiased data analysis
I honestly couldn’t sit through a Kiss song long enough to hear the lyrics, so I had Forge invent another device for the task. He came up with the Lyrulatrix, a supercomputer that effortlessly picks through Kiss lyrics and assigns them a “diarrhea score” based on standards set forth by a poll filled out by some of the country’s greatest lyrical minds. Unfortunately, the machine short-circuited 20 seconds in to the first song. After repairing the device, Forge presented the following line of lyrics from the song “Heaven’s on Fire” – which had a diarrhea score so high the Lyrulatrix couldn’t even process it.
I got a fever ragin’ in my heart
You make me shiver and shake
Baby don’t stop, take it to the top
And eat it like a piece of cake
Results after hours of comparative analysis:
Using Forge’s own rating system, Def Leppard gets a retard rating of 5 Strong Guys…
…and kiss gets a rating of 6 Toads.
Take that as you will.