Which Band Is Shittier? (A Gentleman’s Debate): Def Leppard vs. Kiss

I feel like it really needs to be addressed how abysmally shitty these two bands were.  The fact that these two fartfests had/still have enormous fan bases gives me a very uneasy feeling that the apocalypse may be near. Unfortunately, the problem inherent in musical debate is that it is largely subjective. Therefore, I’ve decided to hire Native American technological prodigy/cyborg Forge to analyze this issue as objectively and scientifically as possible.

The guy pretty much single handedly defeated the Phalanx. I think he can handle this.

Here is what he learned.

Why Def Leppard sucks:
1. One arms < two arms.
Supporting evidence: Principia Mathematica, i.e. 1+1=2

If you ask someone who likes Def Leppard why they are a good band, that person will eventually say something along the lines of, “Listen Bro, the drummer had ONE ARM! They HAD to be great if they could still play music with a one armed drummerderpderpfartptthtthhtt.” I really shouldn’t have to explain the fallacy in this logic. There is just physically no way that a one armed man could ever play drums effectively. Using this argument is saying that Def Leppard is good because it sounds like music even though it probably shouldn’t. It’s like saying that shit tastes good because it exists and looks like chocolate.

2. Hair metal as a whole is objectively gay.
Supporting evidence: The following pictures.

Gay.

Gay.

Gay.

3. Copyright infringement
Supporting evidence: Note by note analysis

In order to further research Def Leppard’s music, Forge developed a device called the Audiocomputron – a device which has the capability to analyze the vocals of every song in Def Leppard’s catalog note by note and match it to similar sound byte patterns in its database. Once the data was fully processed, the device demonstrated that Joe Elliot’s vocals in every single Def Leppard song exhibit a  98% match rate to the sound that  gibbons make when engaging in all-male taboo orgy sex. Now, am I saying that Def Leppard ripped their songs off of a group of primates in the throes of ear canal penetration? No. That’s for you to decide, America.

Above: Uncanny resemblance

Why Kiss sucks:
1. Stage theatrics ≠ musical greatness.
Supporting evidence: Euclid’s inequality of arithmetic and geometric means.

This time, ask a Kiss fan why he likes their music. Somewhere in his argument, he will say something like, “fartfartfart -blowing fire- fartfart – demon face – fartfaartfart – fireworks.” All I’m saying is that using this logic, you can pick any terrible fictional band (i.e. Drive Shaft from Lost, Wyld Stallyns from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey) and claim that it is the best band ever. When the #1 one redeeming quality of a band is its stage theatrics, that can’t be a good thing. Because of this, Kiss is at best a gimmick band and at worst a glistening turd among other turds in a glaringly awful period of rock music trends.

2. Just. Gay.
Supporting evidence: incriminating photographs

I hate to use the same argument here as I did against Def Leppard, but what can I say?

Gay.

Very gay.

I can't come up with an appropriate context for this photo if it's not supposed to be gay.

3. Retarded lyrics.
Supporting evidence: unbiased data analysis

I honestly couldn’t sit through a Kiss song long enough to hear the lyrics, so I had Forge invent another device for the task. He came up with the Lyrulatrix, a supercomputer that effortlessly picks through Kiss lyrics and assigns them a “diarrhea score” based on standards set forth by a poll filled out by some of the country’s greatest lyrical minds. Unfortunately, the machine short-circuited 20 seconds in to the first song. After repairing the device, Forge presented the following line of lyrics from the song “Heaven’s on Fire” – which had a diarrhea score so high the Lyrulatrix couldn’t even process it.

I got a fever ragin’ in my heart
You make me shiver and shake
Baby don’t stop, take it to the top
And eat it like a piece of cake

Fucking really?

Results after hours of comparative analysis:

Using Forge’s own rating system, Def Leppard gets a retard rating of 5 Strong Guys…

…and kiss gets a rating of 6 Toads.

Take that as you will.





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38 Responses to Which Band Is Shittier? (A Gentleman’s Debate): Def Leppard vs. Kiss

  1. murdochthesungod says:

    Man, I fucking hate Kiss. Def Leppard is definitely a shit factory, but Kiss is revolting. Kiss blows. If Kiss were a fruit, they would be a durian.

  2. jay says:

    kiss was good back in day and def leppard had 2 good songs bt it you ask some1 from sheffield they will always say there good its just in the water I think lol and if you ask a old ish guy they will say kiss is the best but if you ask a young guy they will say my granddad liked them. METALLICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are the best and that it.

  3. stan says:

    Two of my favorite bands. They were great in the 70s and 80s but both declined in quality by the mid 90s. Their concerts are still great, but their later studio albums were mediocre and forgettable.

  4. Bob says:

    Ok fine, Def Leppard did seriously go full retard after ‘Pyromania’ which itself was a bit overboard but “High and Dry” is a pretty good record. Check it out if you haven’t but do remember it was recorded in the early ’80s. Good rock tunes there. BTW, I don’t listen to AC DC for the lyrical content but I’d be fucked if I didn’t love it anyway. I never saw the appeal of KISS except maybe a couple of tunes.

  5. The NPY Remove says:

    I Love Kiss………………

  6. The NPY Remove says:

    I Love All RockStar ^_^

  7. Kiaran Jay says:

    If anyone asked me why I like Def Leppard, I would say because they create music that is just fucking feel good, cheesy but in a good way! Plus their (Or Mutt Lange’s) whole take on producing records is so unique, but I suppose if you hate that style then you’ll hate all Def Leppard, I happen to love them! I like Kiss too but Def Leppard are by far the superiors! …and then of course there’s the mighty Steel Panther, just showing people who think hair metal is gay, just how wrong they are!

  8. JEFF ONTARIO says:

    KISS STANDS FOR KISS IS STUPID STUPID OR
    KISS IS SHIT STUPID OR
    KISS IS SHIT SHIT !
    IT JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW MANY STUPID PEOPLE THERE ARE
    WHAT IS THE ONE GUY SUPPOSED TO BE A MUSKRAT !

  9. Neither band sucks. Who the hell are you to tell me which band is shittier? Where the fuck have you gotten in life?

  10. Its the personality of Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley that get in the way of their lousy music. I love hard rock and metal but their tunes sound like stale cat turds swirling around in a an empty Nescafe coffee can. Def Leppard was simply awful. But they never had a Simmons ego-maniac personality in the band so Kiss wins the award.

  11. Rick Henry says:

    You’re a fucking idiot,100 million albums sold by each band proves you wrong.
    With each band having atleast 20 hit songs,you have awful taste do you prefer rap or dance? country? 70s 80s rock was the best music ever and billions agree!

    suck on that you jealous hater

  12. Amanda says:

    If anyone thinks that def leppard suck then they are stupid. No one will talk shit about phil collen, because if anyone does I will kick their ass mofus.

  13. NickGrouwen says:

    Both bands suck. Period.

  14. tiffany says:

    You people are retarded!! Kiss is the most amazing band ever. Someone needs to take this site down!

  15. Brad says:

    What? The fact you hate Def Leppard AND Kiss is funny. Maybe one or the other, but both?

    Sounds like someone is jelous of their success. Until you can sell millions and millions of albums, then I will respect you’r opinion, and take it into consideration.

    Until then, don’t disrepect two amazing bands.

    • Jordan Gallaher says:

      i agree with brad, KISS and Def Leppard are both very succesful, hard rock/metal bands, they have been around for a long time, im 17 and i listen to rock and metal music, sometimes country and dubstep too, ask urself’s this everyone: if these bands are as gay as the moron who posted this is boasting, then how come they are still around, selling out arenas, making lots of money, and still selling albums, yeah, everyone has different tastes in music, i wouldnt call katy perry or justin beiber or lmfao great musicians, but they are succesful, and thats my opinion, ok, so leave KISS and Def Leppard alone and go listen to ur own music like mature people

  16. Christopher Paul says:

    In Def Leppard’s defense I only need one word…Pyromania. As far as KISS goes, they are as iconic as a band can be. When I put on a KISS album I don’t hear makeup, I hear guitars, drums and vocals. Ace Frehley holding a Les Paul is gay? Hmm…(too bad I read his book though) KISS on top of the Empire State Building gay? How so? In addition you use the makeup arguement then proceed to slag the lyrics of a nonmakeup song? Do your homework dude.

  17. Valigirl says:

    Why don’t you tell Rick Allen that one armed drummers can’t play? I’m sure he could beat the hell out of you even with one arm. All you are is a poser these bands are amazing.

  18. rob says:

    tough call i mean comparing horse and moose shit ya sure ones a bigger pile but end of the day its the same thing…personally def lepard didnt piss me off as much as kiss and even their one armed drummer could beat peter chris. also def leppard never really overhyped themselves or commercially whoredp themselves out as much …so kiss is worse.

  19. With havin so much written content do you ever run into any
    issues of plagorism or copyright violation? My website has a lot of unique content I’ve either authored myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my permission. Do you know any methods to help prevent content from being ripped off? I’d genuinely appreciate it.

  20. Anonamous says:

    Fuck the poster! Kiss is my all time fav bampnd! I agree everyone has there opinion but that’s no right to put them down like this! You know what poster you are shit! And def leapord is an amazing band aswell

  21. john says:

    fuck you all def leppard is the greatest band of all time

  22. john says:

    Def Leppard absolutely rocks! The fact that they have a drummer with one arm and still sound better than most bands only proves that they are great. Their songs have meaning and feeling and are just plainly amazing! They’re not gay either, they just come from a different culture and they are very close friends and have been since their early teens. I have lost hope that humanity will ever appreciate good music again. Rock is dying and it quite frankly depresses me. Oh and that bull sh*t about them matching the sound of a monkey or whatever is completely ridiculous. Joe Elliot has an amazing voice and an incredible range making their music even more interesting. Come start a debate about a band that sucks when you have a bad that actually sucks. Both Kiss and Def Leppard are classic hard rock backs and have millions of fans and a greater legacy than many artists out there. In their day when rock and roll was in billions of records were sold because it was qand still is quality music. So good day sir.

  23. john says:

    Damn you are all gay as shit ans stupid. Learn to recognize good music when you hear it.

  24. rocknrolltrain says:

    this is clearly the work of some idiot who is pissed because he doesnt have any talents.
    also, the main argument for why these bands suck is “Gay!” , oh homophobia, thats original
    plus, they’ve probably f**cked more women than half the planet altogether (GAY ?)

    And why do you think people buy their albums, because they suck ? NO!!!

    PS i dont see you singing as well as joe elliot and not lose your voice completely

  25. Jordan Gallaher says:

    im sick of idiots like the retard who posted this blog hating on rock music, rock n roll isn’t about looks, money, women, sex, porn, or playboy mansions, it’s about freedom, doing what u want, writing good music, and making people happy when theyre sad, all pop and rap music today is all about the same thing: sexual content, rock n roll music is not always about sex, sure some rock bands have songs about sex, but not always, like Aerosmith or KISS or Def Leppard, but other than that rock n roll is good music, it uses real melody, and so does other rock genres like Metal, Punk, and Grunge, it all has beautiful and amazing lyrics, Slipknot have written songs with beautiful lyrics like “The reign will kill us all if we throw ourselves against the wall but noone else can see the preservation of the martyr in me” or “my ends, it justifies my means and all i ever do is delay my every attempt the evade the end of the road” and even Metallica have written some beautiful songs like Nothing Else Matters

  26. Jordan Gallaher says:

    there is absolutely nothing wrong with this type of music, I mean Led Zeppelin werent the best looking guys when they wrote Stairway To Heaven, possibly one of the greatest Rock N Roll songs of all time, so get off this worthless blog everyone and go listen to ur own music

  27. Billy Adams says:

    Kiss r fucking awesome! Kiss r the best band to ever walk upon this earth! Anyone who disagrees obviously has their eyes blinded by shit music!!

  28. John says:

    Kiss sucks big time! Gene Simmons is a asshole.

  29. Mike D. says:

    Well, Def Leppard has a lead singer who can actually sing, their songs are actually in tune and display a level of actual musicianship and the lyrics don’t sound like they’re written by eighth graders. Other than that, I guess it’s pretty close.

  30. Scooby Nigel Rhoads says:

    For one who likes what band is a matter of opinion. And that is it. So who gives you the right to say what bands suck or gay. Banks that are close like family such as the group photo of Def Leppard are bands that are real. Bands where they are firing other band members or kicking them out are the fake posers. They’re in it just for the money. And if you want to pick on bands that change the style they play. Look at metallica. Black album. But like I said before all anyone can say is what they think or feel. Nothing is fact. Just opinions. And honestly that is all it is.

  31. tokyo5 says:

    I like both bands…but people have told me that I have bad taste in music.
    Ya can’t account for taste though.

    Anyways…at least you debated gentlemanly.
    😉

  32. KISS is a laughable joke! Calling them a band of musicians is like calling WWF a sport, which I’m sure will get lot’s of flack since anyone stupid enough to call Gene Simmons a musician will surely try to tell me a great athlete The Ultimate Warrior is! Interestingly, it just occurred to me that you can buy toys of both KISS and WWF. Does that tell you the maturity level that these forms of “entertainment” appeal to? And Def Leppard, please kill me! Could they possibly suck more?

  33. This was fuckin’ hilarious, Forge is the man.

  34. Alab4m4 says:

    Def Leppard is pretty great. Kiss is alright. You must be the typical tard who can’t understand the difference between a fucking (and in your case terrible) PERSONAL opinion and a general, objective truth.

  35. maugluek says:

    KISS sucks. The only remotely could songs which carried their sad sacks were Detroit Rock City & I want to rock and roll all night – both of these songs suck balls right up there with “its the end of the world as we know it” by REM. KISS sucks. Def Leopard was alright though (a lot better than pussy ass shot like Poison)

  36. Marius says:

    I kinda agree about the kiss but what you said about Def Leppard, you should get shot in both your kneecaps, then skinned alive and put in a alkaline bath to die in a slow and most agonizing death possible while you’re fully conscious and feel every inch of your body melt. Gay? You fucking cocksucking imbecile! Who gives a fuck how someone looks if they have talent? Also, they come from a different era and back then, it was considered normal. Maybe after 50 years, people will call our generation, appearance and everything gay. That’s all I wanted to say. Now why don’t you do our earth a little favor and go cut your throat from ear to ear you piece of shit yankee.

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