Transformers: Dark of the Moon
A Review by Beau M. Prather (note: I have not seen this movie)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (note: TDOM) is like watching a drunk Leonardo (note: the ninja turtle) pilot one of his flying machines while Michelangelo (note: the ninja turtle) simultaneously paints the Sistine Chapel. With his dick. The scene where Shia LeBoeuf (note: aka Louis Stevens) and Megan Fox (note: aka Android 18) escape from the cruise ship robot that just ate an explosion is, in a word, full-blown retarded. The combination of the tasteful slow-motion cinematography and the power-chord mayhem of Linkin Park’s “Faint” is probably the most hilariously stupid shit I’ve seen since Fast Five (note: I have also not yet seen Fast Five).
The plot is a confusing dump of stupid. It is incoherent while maintaining an impressive amount of idiocy; I’d call this a thinking dumbasses’ movie. There is an artifact that must be recovered, or destroyed, or something like that, and Shia LeBouef (note: I don’t know his name in the film, I’m gonna call him Keith) has to find it, and protect/destroy it. Megan Fox (note: let’s go with Cindy) hangs out with Keith for some reason, I am going to pretend that the past films establish that he is her father. Optimus Prime is the robot that is a tractor-trailer, he is the leader of the Autobots. Also, Keith and Cindy meet the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because why not? Optimus gets Keith, Cindy, and the TMNT to help him, because I guess robots can’t handle their shit, which is ridiculous because these Autobots seem to be highly advanced alien robots that would rather eat humans or something. But anyway, Keith and his daughter help Optimus and a variety of other Autobots (note: each one is based on a distinct, vaguely offensive stereotype) fight the Decepticons, who are the bad robots. I think the Decepticons want to take over earth, although I have no idea why. The Decepticons’ main weapons seem to be explosions, slow-motion, and shitty music. Cindy and Keith defeat all the big ass robots with the help of Michelangelo (he makes a bunch of wacky pizzas to distract the Decepticons) and the planet is saved. Hooray.
The acting is abysmal, unless Megan Fox’s role was supposed to be an expressionless underwater wooden robot and Shia LeBeuf’s was intended to be the ultimate uncharismatic awkward antihero (note: not antihero like Dirty Harry or Wolverine, I mean the opposite of a hero, no heroic qualities whatsoever, like the lawyer in Jurassic Park). The one bright spot in the film is the performance of TMNT; I hate to see true professionals have to stoop to such a low level. Michael Bay probably directed this; it looks like one of his bloated films. His visual style is like multiplying Miami Vice times 100, subtracting coolness, stretching out action scenes with slow motion, and then paying a bunch of assclowns to write power chord butt-rock to plaster all over the damn thing.
In conclusion, I give this movie a Fartface rating which is the second lowest rating on my scale.