I realize that the LSU Goddamn Tigers are going to dominate the 2010 college football landscape by fucking annihilating every team that gets in the way of their bloodthirsty path to the National Championship; however, these fictional players would really make their goals more achievable and add depth of character to the team.
1. Arms Brody, QB – The biggest question mark heading into 2010 is the Tigers QB situation. With the addition of Brody, a 6 foot 9 cougar of a man who has been timed at 4.09 in the forty and can throw a football through a 1993 Chevy Silverado longways, LSU no longer will need to worry about QBs shitting their pants ten or twelve times per game. He would end up with no fewer than 90 touchdowns and would destroy every pickup truck in the parking lot of opponents stadiums.
2. Barry Darsow, LB – Using his legendary Barely Legal Move, Darsow brings some extra toughness and intimidation to the Tiger D. He has plenty of experience delivering and receiving huge blows from his years starring as a superstar wrestler in World Championship Wrestling. I could see Barry averaging 15 tackles a game while forcing dozens of players out of games via submission.
3. Wing O’Leary, OG – An Irishman who is 40% bulldozer, he would anchor an LSU offensive line that was dreadful in 2009 and has to prove itself in 2010. Weighing in at seven tons, he alone could theoretically replace the entire line, excluding the center. He doesn’t have the coordination to snap the ball, unfortunately. O’Leary would lead the SEC in pancake blocks and the number of times a player turned an opponent into a pancake.
4. Wiz Kidd, FS – The first player-coach in the little known WFL (Wonderful Football Lovers), his unparalleled knowledge of both the offensive and defensive aspects of the game comes from the state-of-the-art alien biological supercomputer that has assimilated him. He also is made of metal and that shit would hurt every time he tackled you.
5. Terry “Aw Shucks!” Hampton, HB – A simple man with a passion for deer hunting and crude humor, Terry would really bring this team together with his love of singing inspirational Motown hits and his ability to see past all individuals’ exteriors, seeing them for who they truly are on the inside. He also grills some mean BBQ. I could see him getting the whole team to sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” in the locker room and cooking at least 60 whole animals this season.