Why I fucking hate Dancing with the Stars

Since Beefer Blog is all about my best beefer and I planning parties for Besttember, reviewing music/games/movies, and ranting about God-knows-what, I thought I would toss my hat in the ring and and write my first non-fictional rant. I chose Dancing with the Stars, a show that I was unfortunately and tragically exposed to because of my wife and that highlights everything that is wrong with reality television. The following are the reasons why I fucking hate Dancing with the Stars.

1. The fucking “stars.”
In what goddamned universe are these people stars, and who in the right fucking mind cares enough about them to watch them dance to godawful cringe-worthy music? Let’s take a look at the “stars” that the geniuses behind this show have cast in previous seasons.
Steve-O – For the love of God, where do I even start? This guy is an omega-level douchebag. This is a guy who was arrested once for stapling his scrotum to his leg in public and again for pissing on a pile of potato chips on stage. This is a guy who got famous for setting his hair on fire and paying a prostitute to piss on his leg on camera. Fuck this guy, and fuck his stupid back tattoo. Steve-o was cast on Dancing with the Stars in 2009, 7 fucking years after Jackass got canceled. I give that a 1/10 on the how-much-I-give-a-shit meter.
Kate GosselinShitfuckballscockdick, I cannot for the life of me figure out why this bitch is still around. She’s only “famous” for having a a vagina so stretched out she can pull it over her head and for having a husband who cheated on her gross bitchy ass. 1/100000000. That is the probability that I would ever willfully watch her cankles gracelessly stumble around on a dance floor all for a desperate last-ditch attempt to lengthen her 15 minutes of fame.
John O’Hurley Yeah, that’s Elaine’s boss on Seinfeld. Really? REALLY?
Drew LacheyI actually had to look this one up, because I had no fucking idea who this was. This is the younger brother of Nick Lachey. You know, that queef stain who’s famous for being in one-hit-wonder 90’s boy band 98 Degrees and for fucking Jessica Simpson? Awesome.
Joey Fatone, Lance Bass, and Aaron Carter – Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Fuck you, Dancing with the Stars.
Mark DacascosOK, that’s actually pretty cool. He’s the chairmen in Iron Chef. I still could give two shits whether or not he can dance though.
The list goes on; and I really don’t give a shit, because out of all of them I think the most famous ones are Melissa Joan Hart, some male underwear model, Michael Flatley, and the husband of Jewel. So apparently when they mean “stars,” what they mean is “people no one gives a fuck about anymore/we made this show as a ‘fuck you’ to everyone in America/every time somebody watches this, we forcibly rape dozens of kittens.”
Also, here’s a peek at the “celebrities” that will appear on this upcoming season (the fact that this show has not been canceled and this is the 11th season so far makes me die on the inside): David Hasselhoff, Bristol Palin, some bitch from the Real Housewives, some bitch from The Hills, and (God help us) the Situation. Fuck me.

2. The fucking judge panel.
I wouldn’t know who these people were even if they told me and gave me a detailed resume of everything they are supposedly famous for. First you have this bitch, who was in Flintstones II and apparently had her hand in the pot in every fucking reality show you wish never existed. Then you have this old British fucker, whose role on the show is to be the prototypical negative insulting reality show contest British guy. And finally you have this terrifying, menacing, flamboyant pedophile/old-fashioned-homo named Bruno. Fuck you ABC. Fuck you and your godawful shows. On the plus side, apparently Brooke Burke is one of the hosts now.

God damn.

3. The fucking music.
Seriously. Fuck this show. Here is a list of the terrible songs that these fucktards have “danced” to: “Wherever, Whenever” by Shakira, “Maniac” by Michael Sembello, countless Barry Manilow songs, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper, “Switch” by Will Smith, “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” by Brooks and Dunn (aka pretty much the only song by old Kix and Ronnie that I fucking hate), that fucking song from Moulin Rouge, and songs by Michael Bolton, Mariah Carey, Michael fucking Buble, Jennifer Lopez, Donny Osmond, Jason Mraz, and Kylie Minogue. I can’t even go on, because I’ve already shit myself with rage.

This show makes American Idol look like Breaking Bad. This show would be worse than a show that consisted entirely of close-ups of people having wet farts. This show makes me want to fall off the grid, move into the woods, and share a meaningful relationship with a hungry man-raping grizzly bear. Fuck fuck fucking fuck.

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About Pill Pritley

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One Response to Why I fucking hate Dancing with the Stars

  1. murdochthesungod says:

    This show sucks butts

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