Framblin’ U – The Fighting Fire Frogs are a team of destiny, in my opinion. They lose 14 starters on a defense that was referred by many as “the sassiest FBS defense since the Great Snee D of Thirty-Three.” However, utilizing the unusual FU tactic of kidnapping players from other programs, they should continue to be dominant. Star “Tale-back” Saffron Jeffson returns for a ninth year of eligibility; look for more of his patented combo of killer jukes, blazing speed, and folksy Americana stories.
Bilb Ono University – The only university named after a silent movie star, BOU looks to have another stacked squad this year. The defense, highlighted by the Seagull brothers at linebacker, will be allowed to drive cars on the field during certain plays due to the billion dollar contributions of Mr. Ono. Quarterback could be a problem, however, as all three QBs from last years team have turned into mushrooms. I see the Happy Jacks going 19 and 2, a respectable year for an SEC North team.
Smooch’s School of Danz – Aiyiyi. The Smoochers had a rough year in 2009, losing all their games and their coach (he was misplaced somewhere in Canada). New coach Herb-o Slapppdash is a complete maniac; at his first press conference he tried to fire himself, then he claimed he was switching to an offense based on “the great Chicago Bears championship squads of the 1750s.” What this means is unknown, however I look for the SSD Smoochers and Sippers to have a bit of a bounce back year, winning one game on the strength of their terriffic special teams.
Nana’ Toons Learninschool – Everyone knows NTLS was only added to the North in order to get the abysmal graduation rates of the division to a respectable level. That being said, the Dumpos should have an above-average year by their standards in 2010. Halfback Hal Mone has 4.4 speed, and can also solve any ordinary differential equation in 4.4 seconds. Transfer QB Baze Blinker has come in and really shown his stuff, displaying a good arm, great pocket presence, and an impressive knowledge of fluid dynamics. However, look for his receivers to stuggle this year; the two starters are already having trouble with the first semester of technical physics!
U of Snee – The North’s perennial juggernaut, expect our eternal overlords to cakewalk through their schedule and win the twelve thousandth championship in their ancient, occult history. Tailback Prion Tau has really mastered the art of black magic in his senior year, I see him dooming most of his opponents to an eternity of torture and agony. Once again, the defense will be anchored by eleven demigods whose physical forms are burning pyres of sulfur; gonna be tough to score on theses rough-and-tumble ragamuffins. The coach of the Damnantion, Dark Wizard Aknagihan, has the support, and financial backing, of the Dark Prince Satan. Also, kicker Joseph John should have a knockup year, being the only member of the team who is not death reincarnate.